"It’s not fair." I often whine to my French boyfriend. "It’s like a playground for you western guys here in Shanghai. All the Chinese girls fancy you." "It’s not my fault." he says with a Gallic shrug. "Anyway, a lot of Chinese guys look at you, too." "Only because they see me as a freaky Amazon woman with yellow hair and hips the width of their shoulder span." I grumble.

"But you don’t fancy them, either." he reminds me. And it’s true. The last thing I want to imply is that I’m racist by discounting a whole country’s worth of men, but I don’t find the majority of Chinese guys attractive. Nor do I actively dislike them – it isn’t that; I have Chinese friends who are guys. I just don’t see them in a sexual light. It doesn’t help that I’m nearly six feet tall; I tower over most men, whether in China or elsewhere.

Photo: JasonDGreat

To get some alternative perspectives on the issue, I sought the opinions of two friends of mine who do like Chinese guys. One of them is 20-year-old Lucy, a British student who is studying Mandarin in Shanghai. She has been in China for just under a year, and has dated only Chinese guys. Her first boyfriend was ‘Peter’ who she was with for a month.

"Peter was my first dating experience in China." she says. "He was originally from Suzhou and was studying in Shanghai. We met in M2." What followed were several weeks of tentative courtship. Lucy felt that Peter was too shy to tell her what he wanted from their relationship, and that she was doing all the groundwork. "It might sound anti-feminist, but I think that girls enjoy being pursued by guys." she told me. "With Pete, it was always me who instigated a kiss, or suggested places to go on dates. It made me feel somehow unfeminine."

After splitting up with Peter, Lucy started dating Ming Sen, a 24-year-old accountant from Shanghai. It was a different experience altogether. "It was as if Ming Sen had mapped out our future together from the beginning." Lucy said. "He made it clear that he was rich enough to be good husband material, and introduced me to his parents within a week. Absolutely unheard of back home!" The pair parted ways after three weeks, as Lucy wasn’t ready for the sort of relationship he wanted.

So would Lucy date other Chinese men? "Of course." she says. "Why not? I find Chinese guys really cute, physically. I love China and Chinese culture, so it makes sense that I like Chinese men. It’s stupid to generalise; they’re not all like Peter and Ming Sen. I just haven’t found Mr. Right yet."

The second friend of mine to receive a grilling on the issue of Chinese boyfriends was Paul. Half French and half German, 23-year-old Paul lived in Shanghai for a year doing an internship, and has been out of the closet since he was 19. He thinks that Chinese guys are "warm, patient, and devoted", and says that they believe in relationships, unlike western gay guys who are more into sleeping around. He has never encountered any homophobia in Shanghai, even when holding hands with guys in public. However, it hasn’t all been plain sailing. Paul dated a Hangzhou guy called Fei for six months. Fei came out to his parents about the relationship – something that isn’t too common – and surprisingly they were cool with it. That was until Fei turned 24 and his parents decided it was time for him to ditch Paul and settle down with a wife. Fei had no choice. He loved Paul but felt that he couldn’t disobey his parents’ wishes.

"It’s still a huge taboo to be a gay guy in China, even Shanghai." Paul says. "Guys don’t really live alone. They either live with their parents or with their wives, so there is a lot of secrecy surrounding gay relationships. Blind eyes are definitely turned in a lot of cases."

I also spoke to some other female friends of mine who have never dated or fancied Chinese guys. There is no general consensus. One girl blames physical incompatibility. Like me, she is no shorty, and can’t imagine herself dating a guy smaller than her. "It’s superficial, I know." she admits. "But I don’t enjoy feeling like a woolly mammoth beside my boyfriend."

Another friend cites the place of Chinese women in society as her reason for steering clear of Chinese guys. "I don’t feel that women are seen as equal in China." she says. "So why would I want to date a guy who is part of that culture?"

Australian Jess says she would happily date a Chinese guy, if one would show interest. "Whenever I’m out at a bar, it’s always some sleazy westerner who comes up to offer me a drink." she laments. "I see so many good looking Chinese guys, but they all seem so shy!"

So in conclusion, it clearly pays to keep an open mind about dating, in every respect. Who knows – your perfect guy might be just around the corner, and he may be Chinese.

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Related Links

Yellow Fever: Why Western Guys Date Chinese Girls
The Unmarried Millions: China's Trend in Dating Older Women
Money Honey: The Cost of Dating in China

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