Lili blinked and said, "I hadn't thought of that before." I pressed her to think about it and she just shut down. I shut up. Awkward silence ensued. We paid the bill, I finished my tea and we went window shopping, a prospect which immediately perked her up.

In retrospect, the early part of our friendship is painfully embarrassing. I wanted to learn from my Chinese friends—I wanted to learn from Lili. I expected that debate and sharing opinions and perspectives would happen naturally as our friendship evolved. I am ashamed to report that I found myself prodding my good friend with sentences starting "In America…" and subjecting her to cultural and political interrogation sessions instead.

You could call it Waiguo 101—I wouldn't spite you if you did. Maybe I'm denser than some other Westerners I know, some of whom were immediately at ease learning about China in the new social and cultural setting that this country presents. If that's you, this isn't your article. But it definitely wasn't me. Nevertheless, over time, I learned how to learn from her, in spite of uncomfortable topics and differing expectations. Here's what Lili taught me.

1)  Debate can mean sharing. Or it can mean disharmony

The Chinese concept of closeness in friendship results in physical demonstrations like hand holding for girls and boy-like roughhousing for men, food-sharing for both, and a slew of well-meaning insults all around. It does not necessarily result in the same kind of openness with regard to political, religious and philosophical disagreements.

While it depends on the person of course, most of my Chinese friends have had to come to terms with my Western proclivity toward learning through discussion and debate. But in the Chinese context, asking your friend to defend a position can be misinterpreted as disharmony or bad moqi (roughly: tacit understanding) between friends. Lili has since shared with me that she often thought I was mad at her – really I just felt disappointed that she wouldn't share with me. So be clear – when you ask your friend to push back, make certain your friend knows that you interpret debate as sharing and openness rather than aggression, pushiness or bad feelings.

2) Sometimes it's best to shut up

It probably goes without saying that you should avoid trying to parse out politically or culturally sensitive issues until you and your friend can comfortably talk about difference at a deeper level than chopsticks versus cutlery. Unfortunately, at the time of the teashop incident, I didn't realise that Lili and I apparently weren't ready for that level of discussion. As I subsequently learned, in such cases it's better to just shut up. Besides, when you shut up, you can listen and listening is as good a learning tool as any.

3) If you really want to understand, go ahead and ask difficult questions—but be wary of double standards

My first experience with Chinese friends clamming up happened almost right away when, in spite of myself, I invited a Chinese friend to talk about the air pollution in China. I didn't think it was a big deal and was flummoxed when he got defensive.

I take comments about my physical appearance personally and that tendency has never been something I've had to defend in my own culture. It took me a bit of time to realise that I was asking him to be easy-going about my apparent criticism of his society, which for him was like body criticism for me. If I wasn't prepared to be culturally uncomfortable, how could I expect the same of him? 

If you're asking questions and expecting non-defensive answers, set an example and/or return the favour. More importantly, if you are expecting your friends to analyse their assumptions, first make an effort to analyse your own. Here is a simple formula: if you expect honesty, be open to honesty and be honest with yourself.

4) All that said, offer criticisms of your own country/culture/society mindfully

If you're expecting your Chinese friend to reveal or defend their interpretation of negative aspects of Chinese society, don't think that demonstrating with your own criticism of your own society will always serve to set their minds at ease.

I'm generalising a bit, but for many people here criticism means rejection. That being said, offering an insight into a negative aspect of your own society while emphasising that you do so only as an extension of your love of country and desire for the betterment of your society, you will demonstrate something quite vital: that they can do the same without you misinterpreting their comments as a rejection of their culture or country and/or without making them feel like they're "selling out" to a foreigner.

A note: this only works if you are avoiding double-standards. Just as a criticism of the economy in the West doesn't mean you are saying capitalism has been an utter mistake or that China is indisputably the world's new economic top dog, you really can't assume that a criticism on their part means dissatisfaction with the whole system.

A Final Note: Be patient and practice the middle way—you will be rewarded

Lili has been patient with me in regard to my response to comments about my hair/clothes/skin/big feet (things that, according to her, only close friends can point out) and my constant please-and-thank-yous (it suggests a formality that close friends shouldn't expect, she explained). I had to be patient while she got comfortable with my way of learning and sharing. We both had to meet in the middle. No, I won't hold hands with my Chinese girlfriends and no, Lili and I will never debate about the merits and drawbacks of China's presence in Africa. All the same, we both agree that the reward for our effort has been the most instructive project in cross-cultural learning either of us has ever undertaken.
 

Related links
Making (and Keeping) Chinese Friends
What's the Problem with Foreign-Chinese Friendships?
May I Practice My English? Making First Contact

Warning：The use of any news and articles published on eChinacities.com without written permission from eChinacities.com constitutes copyright infringement, and legal action can be taken.

Keywords: making Chinese friends cross-cultural friendships China things not to talk about in China Chinese social culture