When I went shopping last week it dawned on me that the part of me damaged most by my expedition wasn't my bank balance, but rather my sanity.

With 1.3 billion people and counting, it's easy to see why Chinese people like to spend a good amount of their free time on the bounteous shopping streets of their developing nation instead of stuffed into small apartment blocks. Unfortunately, it often seems that they've all decided to come out at the same time I have. After a few hours of observation, I've come up with some general 'transit hazards' to be avoided at all costs when window shopping or simply trying to make the bus.

 

Now, when expats in China discuss road hazards, they usually mean overloaded trucks, packed buses, careening scooters, soundless electric bicycles driven by myopic pensioners, BMW drivers practicing for their parallel parking exam on the sidewalk at rush hour in front of a school while playing Angry Birds on their knock-off iPads.

Well, sure, but you might risk your life crossing the road in any country. However the obstacles I'm talking about are less obvious than giant trucks but as heinous as footpath drivers. They might be the result of overcrowding or just a lack of awareness of the surroundings. From sidewalk slime to dangerous strangers, here is a selection of pedestrian 'hazards' to watch out for:

Selling Tactics

1) The Tout
Recognisable by his canvas man-bag and laminated fliers, this hazard is trying to sell anything from tours and copied watches to new flavours of ice cream. His English level is often admirable, so beware: it's easy to be drawn into conversation. Avoid eye contact at all costs.

2) The Repeating Megaphone
First heard, then seen, this questionable marketing ploy's goal is to bring in more shoppers. What it really does is push away less-than-die-hard buyers with the sheer decibel level and the twisted, grainy vowel sounds that will stick in your head longer than your last Mandarin vocabulary lesson. This is closely related to…

3) The Wall of Sound
Blaring cheesy pop music from the sides of a red-carpeted promotions stage, this feat in noise pollution will make your teeth chatter in time to the music before you can say 'free rice cookers.'

4) The Flower Girl
Closely related to, and sometimes in cahoots with that international figure, The Beggar, the Flower Girl wants you to buy her flowers, and she's not taking bu yao for an answer!

Tourists

1) The Lost Laowai
Seen only in touristy areas, these will be clutching a map unhelpfully printed in pin yin only, attempting to pronounce their destination and ready to attach themselves, limpet-like, to anyone who understands their plight, or at least their language. Mostly harmless, if you can steer them to the nearest Starbucks, especially when compared with…

2) The Domestic Tour Group
Easily spotted by their matching day-glo coloured hats and guide's flag but not so easily avoided, this train of people is as unpredictable as an enraged water buffalo and as scattered as a herd of civet cats. This obstacle is even harder to get around if it carries a large number of…

3) Teenage Girls Holding Hands
Glommed on to one another as if this might be their last contact with the human race, these petite girly-girl shopaholics are as slow as service at the Bank of China and take up an area on the road proportionate to the Great Wall's length across China. Be fully warned, these girls are often guarded by a contingent of…

4) Hello Boys
First brought to my attention in the must-read China travelogue River Town by Peter Hessler, these boys are most prevalent in rural areas. Named for their shrilly distinctive cries of “Hello!” whenever they see a person of foreign descent, they are disarmed into fits of giggles by any sort of choice reply in a European language.

U. F. L.s (Unidentified Fallen Liquids)

1) The Mystery Puddle

This hazard ranges in size and shape from a coin of phlegmy splatter or a face-sized oatmealy substance to a disconcertingly even, tea-coloured sidewalk stain you'll have to jump across. Causes include but aren't limited to…

2) The Potty Trainee
When a three-year-old's gotta go, he's gotta go. Right there, by your shoe.

3) The Bus Stop Puker
Maybe it was the stop-and-go traffic, maybe it was some dodgy jiao zi. Whatever the reason, some unhappy soul has painted some public art with their lunch. Step lightly!

4) The Tea Slosh
More benign than the previous, slimy used tea leaves are still not something you want to step into unawares. Even worse is unwittingly stepping into the trajectory of flying cha dregs.

Other Pedestrians

1) Old Man Walking Backwards
It may help him limber up his knee joints, but unless everyone behind him – or is that in front of him? – pays attention it's a collision waiting to happen. This man is sometimes also seen as…

2) Old Man Walking with Birdcages
Taking song birds to the park so they can socialise is a wonderful, humane tradition. Getting accidentally bopped with one of those wicked sticks they hang the cages from is not. However, both these Old Men are nothing to worry about when compared with…

3) Eye-Level Sun Umbrella Lady
Don't be fooled by the sequins on her parasol, this gal takes no prisoners. Should you be tall enough to avoid her ocular assaults, she'll snag your sleeve instead; short enough and she'll poke you right on the crown of your head. She is often but not always accompanied by…

4) Bag-laden Husband
Shopping bags dangling from every digit, this man is still able to check his stocks on his touch-screen mobile phone, talk to his wife and perhaps add to a few needy Mystery Puddles. Before his hands get too full, he may also be seen as…

5) The Walk and Eat
Who says fast food needs to be consumed in a restaurant? Chopsticks and skewers create the ultimate portable snacks. Keeping an eye on your Sichuan xiao chi and another on where you're putting your feet is a difficult task however; quite a lot of snacks meet their end, again, as Mystery Puddles.

These hazards in mind, I'm mentally prepared for my next shopping spree. Now, about that bank balance...
 

Related links:
Is China Still a Shopping Paradise? What to Buy Here and What Not
The 10 Dirtiest Street Snacks
Charity in China: The Low Down on Street Begging

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