The Answers section has been up and running for over a year already, and has seen expats from all over China sharing their experiences. We've gathered five of their questions, and five corresponding answers, revolving around the topic of Chinese weddings.
Click on a question if you wish to leave your own answer, or share your thoughts in the comment section below!
Question 1: Going to a Chinese wedding - any tips on how to prepare?
Sangoku's answer:
Here are some of my suggestions:
1) Hongbao: The closer you are to the groom or the bride, the more you give. And when I mean "the more", it can go up to a couple of thousand of RMB. Naturally, it also depends where you're attending the wedding. If it's in the Chinese countryside, you're not required to give that much money, and 100 Yuan might be enough.
As to how to present the notes, you need to use new 100 Yuan notes, but other notes are also appreciated if you want the amount to mean something for the couple. For example: 660 Yuan, 990 Yuan (avoid 440, as the number 4 rhymes with death here).
2) If you're very close to the bride and she has lived abroad for a long time, you may eventually kiss the bride. During our wedding, friends and relatives kissed both my wife and her family too. If you're not close to the bride, then definitely no kissing.
3) Don't wear anything better than the groom, stay elegant but not showy. You'll see many people either men or women wearing jeans. I believe it's to make sure that all the cameras are turned to the bride or the groom and nobody else as it's their special day.
4) Depending on how close you are to the groom/bride, they may invite you to take part in the games that take place in the morning when the groom goes to take the bride at her parents' place.
5) I have attended several Chinese weddings, including mine, and they never last more than three hours, so don't feel too sorry if you leave earlier.
6) Since maybe a year or two, the trend is that Chinese weddings have their "laowai", more as symbol of "I have a laowai in my circle". If you're the only one, you're in some way representing all the "laowai" on earth, so behave well.
7) As for drinking, it's indeed considered impolite to refuse to cheer with any of the guests, the family, relatives, well anybody attending the wedding. However, you are not forced to drink alcohol, you can have your glass of juice or other soft drinks.
Question 2: Why are Chinese girls obsessed with marriage?
Coffaholic's answer:
Four words: societal pressure and expectations. Chinese women are conditioned into thinking that marrying at a young age is the proper and respectable thing to do, just like many Western women freak out when they are over thirty, single and very far from realising that horse & carriage wedding dream they had when they were 7 years old. And also, there's the pressure from parents who really push their daughters in wedlock so that they can relax and look forward to the grandchild. They don't mean any harm by it, they just want their kids to be secure, or 稳定 (Wěndìng – stable) as the Chinese like to call it.
Question 3: What are Chinese weddings like?
Tomcatflyer's answer:
I got married here back in 2006 and as an English guy had really very little idea of what was going to happen at the time.
It really starts a few days before with the photos. We spent a day at the studio having various pictures taken in various forms of clothing all supplied by the photography studio. Some photos are taken in house and others were outside at a couple of local parks. This was the first thing to strike me as different, there we were having our wedding photos taken and we were not even married yet.
Also prior to the wedding we had the marriage, and I am told that many Chinese view the marriage and the wedding as different things. The marriage is the formal part of having your paperwork checked and the marriage certificate issued, I remember coming out of the office thinking, “Was that it?” I remember someone saying that getting married here was akin to visiting your local tax office, very official.
The wedding however followed up three days later. It started after breakfast when I had to turn up at her parents' apartment to collect my bride. First I had to find her. She was "hidden" in one bedroom with some of her friends. I was not allowed to see her until I had answered some questions put to me by her friends through a closed door, each question accompanied by a red envelope containing a small amount of money. Once they considered I had answered enough questions correctly (there were only about six or seven), I was allowed in to see her. I then had to find her shoes which were hidden and put them on her feet. We then go back out into the living room where she made a small thank-you speech to her parents for taking care of her, and I had to give her father the dowry in another red envelope, which was really just a token amount of about 2,000 RMB.
Her mom then cooked some special noodles for the two of us and we had to feed each other. Then I had to take her down to the wedding car, but her feet were not allowed to touch the ground between the front door of the apartment and the car. We were on the fourth floor! I carried her down on my back whilst people were scattering money on the floor, and I was expected to tread on each note. The temperature that day was about 34 degrees Celsius, and for those of you who know Nanning and appreciate how high the humidity is here, you can appreciate how hot I felt by the time I put her down on the backseat of the car. Believe me you really need the antiperspirant.
We then drove around the city and stopped at another park for more photos. The photo studio was with us all day filming what would end up being our wedding DVD. We got back to my hotel at around lunch time for a rest, before heading off to the wedding dinner in the late afternoon. We had to be in the foyer of the hotel to welcome all the guests, accept their red envelopes and hand out the sweets and cigarettes, and they also signed the guest book with congratulatory comments.
We finally got into the restaurant and had to take the stage in front of the guests, where we exchanged rings and I gave a speech, which was preceded by a speech from my now brother in law. At this point champagne was poured over the stack of glasses, we all took a glass, sat down and finally ate (I was starving by this point), at the end of which we went to every table and toasted everyone.
All in all a great day, I enjoyed it!
Question 4: How much on average do couples spend on their wedding ceremony?
HappyExpat's answer:
A COUPLE spends nothing on a wedding ceremony, the MAN or GROOM pays for the whole thing. The BRIDE and her family just show off.
Now, the wedding ceremony at the Marriage Bureau costs less than 10 Yuan, the documentation required for it to happen, especially if a foreigner is involved, is another story.
And the wedding banquet cost will depend on a few factors, such as where it is held, number of guests, number of different dishes (minimum 5, normally 8-12), quality and amount of drinks, whether or not there's a DJ, a photographer, rooms for family to rest and change clothes if at a hotel, etc.
I have been to wedding banquets costing anywhere from 5,000 to 150,000 Yuan, and there was one hell of a difference. But I will say an average of 15,000 to 25,000 Yuan is a safe bet.
Multiply your number of guests by 125 and you will generally have a good estimate of the total cost.
Question 5: If I marry a Chinese girl, will I be expected to financially support the in-laws?
Shining_brow's answer:
Looking after the in-laws (specifically, his/her parents) is a standard custom here (and in certain other countries too, I might add!).
The parents (and grand-parents) give their all to look after their children when they are growing up, supporting them through university - including giving them pocket-money - with the expectation that those children will look after them in their old age. When you marry your spouse, you are also marrying the family... so yes, you would be expected to contribute! You could, of course, have your in-laws live with you, as so many Chinese have...
(NB: this is the theory!)
Related links
The Changing Concepts of Love and Marriage in China Over 3 Decades
Forewarned is Forearmed: Planning Your Wedding in China
China's Marriage Crisis: 5000 Divorces a Day!
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if a amarican citisin marries a chinese sitisin how many children can they have if they are going to live in china
Dec 26, 2013 11:11 Report Abuse
In regards to question 1:
You should ALWAYS give less than 1000 RMB unless you're at Hu Jintao's daughter's wedding. The custom of gift giving is that whatever you give them, they have to return and more. So in the countryside, 300 is good and even in Shanghai, 500 is a standard amount. Otherwise you may find that you have financially burdened them to save face and give you more than they can reasonably afford when the next occasion to give Hongbao comes around.
Besides, the better friends you are with a person, the less likely you are to give them a Hongbao. You don't need to give your friends face in China--you are friends, equals... not a superior and inferior. And so in China, close friends give gifts, like an ox-horn comb. There's a laundry list of other traditional things that can be given.
Giving a gift says, "You're my friend, I like you, and I wish you the best."
Giving a red envelope says, "You are my acquaintance and I wish to give you face. Congratulations on what you are doing."
Of course, Laowai are always given leeway to break the taboo. In fact, it is expected of us :p
Oct 13, 2012 20:01 Report Abuse
And yes, I paid for the wedding, not the husband, I even paid for his clothes. All for love. And now they count every yuan I earn. What a disappointment, this Chinese marriage!!!!!!
Aug 09, 2012 21:41 Report Abuse
Have your in-laws live with you? This has ruined my marriage! I come from a rich European family and now I'm being told what to do and how to educate my child by an old woman (mother-in-law) who has only graduated from primary school. There's no problem with my Chinese, I've learned it for 5 years, the problem is just the in-laws. Before we lived with my husband (Chinese) and all was ok. But after the baby was born he insisted that the old gorgon came to live with us. Now they are both telling me that I'm spending too much on food (yes, sorry, Russian people like meat, and not goddam rice with goddam veg every day) and clothes (I'm 30, not 70 and wanna look nice, surprise huh?). And I'm not even talking about the baby pants with holes which she insists the baby should wear, even in winter in the bloody northeast. Now his mother is an authority, and I'm a nobody, just a weird laowai. My advice: marry a Chinese person from a big city, like Beijing or Guangzhou, and stay away from his family. I'm planning a divorce, by the way.
Aug 09, 2012 21:40 Report Abuse
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