Smile on Your Brother: Marrying into a Chinese Family

Smile on Your Brother: Marrying into a Chinese Family
Jun 03, 2011 By Tom Ackerman , eChinacities.com

So you have decided to marry the Chinese woman of your dreams. You envision pictures of the two of you drifting on a boat alone on the waters ahead. You are sure you have formed a special, lifelong relationship with your beloved. Think again. You have formed a special, lifelong relationship with a much bigger crowd. They are called her family.


Photo: JasonDGreat

If adapting to China has started to seem easy lately, a whole thirty new people in the family will still seem intimidating. Family obligations are stronger here than they are in much of the West. Independent-mindedness is not. So to prepare for all those years of kinship harmony, let's drop the oars for a minute and discuss what comes next:

Support
Social security in China has for thousands of years been the family. That's true for other parts of the world as well, but China still relies quite heavily on children taking care of parents and grandparents. Sure, some are independently wealthy, but this hasn't changed China's system of family support very much.

Your new parents-in-law would probably like to see you as their own son or daughter, and will expect some of this help from you too. That means caring for sick relatives, and helping out financially when necessary. Most of the financial side comes down to the son traditionally, but with more and more well-to-do women around, it’s becoming common for daughters to take care of parents as well. Since many Westerners are entirely new to this, relying very often on government care instead, it might be good to talk to your new family about what they need and expect. That way there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

Pay for What?
A lot of foreigners in China are surprised that many Chinese still pay a bride price (cai li) before marrying a woman. We figure that was a part of antiquity which died out. The news is: it didn't. Although not universal in China anymore, many traditional families still ask their new son-in-law to pay a fee upon marrying their daughter. The bride price can range enormously today between a few thousand RMB, and tens of thousands. If you marry into a traditional family, it's expected that you pay. Unless you honestly think you're being taken for a ride on the price, go for it. After all, you're basically just helping out the family, and you're doing it in a customary way.

Hospitality
First, you have the festivals. It is practically ritual for children who live far from their families to come home and see them on the major festivals. The rush for the trains and buses at Mid-Autumn Festival and on May Holiday is huge. The long and crowded trip to see family living far away may be tortuous, but it really is an expected part of the relationship here. If you flake out more than once in a while, you are being gigantically disrespectful. Go see them, bring gifts, and have a good time.

Second, you have the dinners. Now, for a lot of us, we feel we are being hospitable simply to invite someone over for a ballgame or dinner. However, with your Chinese family, this does not translate into very much warmth. Chinese hospitality is most commonly around a big table in a restaurant, plenty of food and drink and, by the way, you treat. So if you really want to show them your filial love, it's going to be a big dinner out.

Family Inc.
In the Western, nuclear family, there's only a handful of people we'd think to lend money to. In the more tightly-knit and extended Chinese family, a lot of money matters get handled cooperatively. If someone needs to start up a business, or if a family business is going under, the rest of the family regularly pitches in to donate, or give no-interest loans. Once you are a part of the family, and get to know people well, your help might be asked in such situations. Not only that, but you can enlist their support if it is needed. For most Chinese, it’s what kin do for each other.

Elders
Chinese parents are not going to expect much of a buddy-buddy relationship with you. Respect paid to elders is taken seriously, and signs of disrespect will make sparks fly. The basic rule is to listen and obey. This doesn't mean your parents-in-law will be overtly bossy (although some will) but it's still best to deal with disagreements in private, and gently. The Chinese mother-in-law has gained a worldwide notorious reputation, in case you haven't heard. This is mostly in relation to her daughter-in-law, who is never supposed to show disagreement with her and is expected to silently absorb all critical comments. If you end up in a difficult situation like this, and have done everything you can to fix it, you can always try the traditional Chinese remedy – don't spend much time with her.

Involvement
Many times, a family you marry into in China will wish to be quite involved in your life. This could include your home life, work situation, where you live or even how you raise your children. Remember, you're not an in-law to them. You are a son or a daughter. This is a big area where a clash can occur, as you live and breathe independence whereas they are used to looking over an entire extended household.

Should the clash of personalities occur, there is no perfect solution. Try and talk things out, and come to an agreement on what is expected and what is not. Remember, they may be more involved than your temperament tolerates, but they are also very caring people who would help you out with nearly anything in life, and that at the drop of a hat.
 

Related Links
The Nine Most Expensive Cities for Marriage in China
On the Rocks: Marriage Counseling in China
What's Your Opinion on International Marriages?

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11 Comments

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jonno

last few commensts useless.i going to get the LOL out of here

Jun 06, 2011 21:11 Report Abuse

Rejoicewith

lol......thats a shock ...I am now having my long holidays in Yunnan Lijiang

Jun 05, 2011 21:38 Report Abuse

fritz

You so right.... the type of person you are is who you attract.. sh if you get only stupid girls is cause you ase stupid..... all men who complain about the girls they meet is the same... Good things create good.
Personaly, i think you sould go back to where you come from, here is no room for loosers in China

Jun 05, 2011 02:19 Report Abuse

fritz

Spellig.mistakes is better than your selection of words. I have been to 26 countriesincluding China and worked in 5. IF you like insulting go snd insult the 2 people who put you together, idiot.,

Jun 05, 2011 18:07 Report Abuse

fritz

I never insulted first .. you did.. the chinese people.... welcome to meet me and we can see how weak i am.. Send me your tel. number tazan.

Jun 05, 2011 19:41 Report Abuse

fritz

Thanx Mike and Jerry.... not only my wife is wonderfull you also found and there is lots more why are real ladies.. and true to us.

Jun 06, 2011 23:41 Report Abuse

fritz

YOu retarded saying...most chinese people being worthless and stupid... What the f..k you doing here? And Chinese DONT NEED to learn English..... its a choice. If i look stupid ok... but most be even woorse.. as you never saw me... F.c..g blind usless thing.... i supose your country are all the same as you or..... they threw you out... Do China one FAVOUR ......get the helll out of here... before you get hurt.. im sure you can only write there shings here ..in real life you dont have the balls..

Jun 12, 2011 15:18 Report Abuse

jcjc

Hi i would like to married in china and also bring my new chinese wife home with me to the USA please what is involed the family thing i already know just the paperwork and how do i bring my wife back to the US thank you all so much!!!

Jun 03, 2011 23:21 Report Abuse

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Jun 04, 2011 02:09 Report Abuse

fritz

i didnt get married here ..we went abroad and married in my country... much cheaper.. and back.. just a dinner for the family

Jun 04, 2011 01:45 Report Abuse

fritz

Wow really? I am so lucky, i have great in laws.. they never intrvere and i didnt pay any money to marry a beutifull educated lady. No one in the family tell me what to do (exept for driving without a licence). Hereby, I thank my Chinese family.... the Wen family from Nanjing

Jun 03, 2011 14:30 Report Abuse