Last year we had a bit of a crisis on the campus of the Chinese high school where I teach: two of our 10th grade students were dating. Not only were they dating, but they were flaunting their relationship status around the school, holding hands, snuggling at lunch and doodling each others names in their composition books. No doubt about it, this was serious business and immediate action was necessary in order to prevent these kids from sliding into total debauchery. Or, at least, this was the situation to hear the Chinese teachers tell it. The two offending students were called out in front of their entire class and were suspended from school for a week. They were made to write self criticisms and were threatened with expulsion should the behavior continue. The two offending students learned their lesson indeed – after the incident they made sure they waited until school was over before holding hands, and Lucy scribbled Leo’s name in the back of her notebook, rather than in the margins of her homework.

Photo: deadplace

For westerners, this reaction probably seems disproportionate to the “crime.” After all, most American high school students date, openly, and while public displays of affection may have been frowned upon, I don’t remember any of my classmates being publicly humiliated or suspended for holding hands or sneaking a kiss in the hall, and I’m sure that the school parking lot saw a lot more action than even that. But for Chinese students, the very idea of sex is off limits, so embarrassing that it shouldn’t be mentioned, and even innocent relationships can bring a lot of trouble down upon the heads of the young people who have them. Or so everyone says. However, several weeks after the incident with the two tenth graders, one of my other students turned in an essay to the English composition teacher. The topic assigned was, “If your country could change any law, what law would you change?” This student, a 16 year old boy, proudly proclaimed in his essay that he’d create a law allowing people to have sex with whomever they please, wherever they please. His paper would have been inappropriate, to say the least, even in an American classroom, but to see a teenager in China writing so openly about what everyone maintains is such a taboo topic, made me wonder. While the very idea that two teenagers might be dating was so upsetting to our school principal that he punished the kids harshly, in reality, many of our students are not only dating, but having sex; the difference in China, is the level of discretion.

On the outside, Chinese society staunchly maintains that it is much more conservative than the west when it comes to attitudes towards sex. Chinese colleagues routinely ask me about how “loose” we are in America. Once, a fellow teacher, an unmarried woman two years younger than myself, decreed that in the west, people would not care if their spouse cheated on them, because everyone is having sex with everyone else anyhow. I laughed, because the idea was not only ridiculous, but more than a little bit hypocritical. While I knew of very few women in America who would put up with a cheating husband, I could name several Chinese women who were in unhappy marriages with unfaithful partners, who stuck around, afraid to break up the family, ashamed of what divorce would mean, and lacking the financial means to leave. Of course, this isn’t quite the same thing as “not caring” about cheating, but the characterization of western men as no good cheaters and western women as floozies is a bit disingenuous, to say the least. In fact, in China recent surveys revealed that at least 60% of Chinese admitted to having had

 extramarital affairs, which is, by most accounts, roughly the same as the infidelity rate in America. Americans, it would seem, are more vocal and up front about airing their grievances, more willing to speak out about what in China is still mostly unspeakable.

But are things changing at all? Certainly attitudes towards sex are more open than they were 20 years ago, especially in the big cities. It is now common for college students to openly date, and universities now allow students to marry, whereas in the past, marriage was strictly prohibited and grounds for expulsion. High school dating, while frowned upon as a distraction from a teenager’s studies, is often tolerated as long as the relationships do not get too serious or too blatant. Abortion is advertised on large billboards and some hospitals even give students a special discount. Young men are more and more accepting of girls who have had past sexual experience, and don’t always expect their future wife to be a virgin. TV shows and movies deal with difficult topics – pregnancies out of wedlock, young love, divorce, adultery, in ways that are more and more in line with reality.

While Chinese attitudes on the surface may remain fairly conservative, there is no doubt that Chinese people are nothing if not realistic. China copes with change and deals with the problems thrown at it with sometimes frightening efficiency, even if that sometimes means sweeping certain issues – like infidelity – under the rug. This, perhaps, is precisely why most Chinese friends are surprised to hear that America, the supposed home of loose morals, actually has puritanical roots, and compared to most European societies, Americans have ideas about sex that are often even more conservative than those heard in China. After all, sex before marriage may be frowned upon in China, but no one here would suggest that you’d go to hell for having it – you might embarrass your family or ruin your future – but you wouldn’t be at risk of fire and brimstone. So perhaps, in some ways, China is more open than she gives herself credit for.

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