Whenever you live in a culture that's not your own you can run into sticky etiquette situations. In China, these vary from how to use your chopsticks without getting black bean sauce all over your favourite shirt to selecting the proper title to give someone (are they a doctor, a professor or just a teacher?). But it's not only with the local population that expatriates can find themselves in an awkward social situation—what do you do when you meet another foreigner? How do you behave? Just because you probably share a common language, do you have to be friends?

1) The ostrich approach - I can't see you so you can't see me
At least one group on the social networking site Facebook says you don't. “Just Because We're LaoWai, Doesn't Mean We're Friends” has about 200 fans and group postings talk about 'guilt by association' when foreigners act poorly in small communities. But the reasons why one foreigner might snub another are wider than that. In world cities like London, New York or Berlin, the total population density makes it necessary to be on good social terms with everyone you encounter in one day. The 'head down, eyes forward' approach keeps you from getting into uncomfortable situations at home, so why not over here in China? Well, some would argue that you haven't come all the way around the world not to meet anyone. But then, if you do say hello, you're stuck. You'll have to exchange names, and where-are-you-from's and possibly even become friends. Did you come to China to meet another person from your same culture? Some people don't want to make friends with other foreigners because they're worried it will dilute their experience abroad.  

2) The blush and the silent hello
But people who wouldn't usually ignore strangers at home might have a hard time figuring out when it’s appropriate to put your head in the sand and when it isn't. The next type of greeting I've noticed is one I've often returned when surprised by someone. Imagine this: You go to the same noodle restaurant week after week for your bowl of la mian. The kitchen staff know you and understand your garbled order. They're over any previous feelings of surprise that a foreigner would be visiting their restaurant and it's all yours. It's your comfortable little kingdom. You sit and zone out while you eat, as you always do. Suddenly a delegation of Russian businessmen stride in, look you up and down, raise their hands and voices in greeting to you and quickly order their food. Before you're finished mouthing 'hello' around the hot noodles still on your chopsticks, they've gone to a different table and you are suddenly 'outed' as a foreigner, acknowledged as being different. Did they see your minute finger wave to them? Do they think that you've slighted them? Are they going to become regulars in this restaurant too?

3) The shopping encounter
Restaurants, as above, and shopping centers are the places I run into other foreigners the most. I'd been back in China only a day or so when I was hit with this next version of sticky expat etiquette. I was moving into my new apartment and I needed to get some sheets, towels and other home wares. Desperate not to make this errand a long one, I went to the local Wal-Mart and started filling my cart. 
I was testing a new pillow for cushy-ness and overall sleepability and chatting in my not-so-precise way with one of the legion of shop assistants when a foreign couple, around my age, rocked up with their trolley. “Hi there,” I said, in my friendliest American fashion. My town has more and more foreigners every year, but truthfully I haven't yet met many female foreigners. I'd like another girl to pal around with when my Chinese friends are busy. They looked at me, dubiously, grabbed a pillow at random, whispered 'hello' and were off as if their shopping cart was rocket-propelled. That's fine; it takes more than that to hurt my feelings. But then we ran in to each other again in the juice aisle. And again in the toilet paper section. And, of course, again at checkout. I tried smiling again, but they were obviously embarrassed and avoiding my gaze. So I wouldn't seem like a stalker, I hung back and let them leave the store well ahead of me. What if we'd been on the same bus?

4) Small Spaces - stuck in the elevator
Buses might be uncomfortable, but nowhere do you get as close to other people as in elevators. The first building my friend lived in in China was 30 stories high and had quite a few foreigners living in it—teachers, business people, language students. He lived on the 24th floor. The Chinese families that lived in the building seemed to mostly be younger, professional families with small children. They loved to speak to anyone in the elevator. Either they'd try to grab a 20-second English lesson off him as they moved upward or they'd at least smile and give him a Cantonese 'Good Morning'. The foreigners, however, were a different bunch. That 20 or 30 seconds in the elevator stretched to aeons as they stared fixedly at the door panels as if they could force them open by sheer will alone. “Hello!” he said brightly to each of them, the first time he found himself inside with one of them. “Hi,” he said the next time.  By the end of a month, he said he was simply nodding, or pulling out his cell phone and acting like an ostrich.

5) Solutions are a cultural question
One website I was reading recently suggested that because each foreigner has their own culture, they should follow their own etiquette when they go abroad. So, if you're from a don't-make-eye-contact sort of place, then by all means avoid looking at other people on the street. If you're from a small-town where you feel compelled to chat to everyone who passes by, continue this. The problem with this do-as-you-did solution is that we are no longer in our own culture. We are no longer just British, American, Italian or whatever. We are expats, and in that we have our own ‘expat culture’. As a small society embedded within the larger Chinese community, I think we need to communicate with each other and use basic good manners. If someone says hello to you, well, it's pretty poor manners not to say it back, or at least smile. At the same time, if someone seems like they don't want to be your BFF, it's probably not good manners to push yourself on them. It all sounds so simple, until you put it into practice.

Related links
Different Strokes for Different Folks: 5 Chinese Lifestyle Differences
Protect Yourself from AFS (Arrogant Foreigner Syndrome)
Expat Racism Towards Chinese

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Keywords: sticky expat etiquette China dealing with expats China awkward social situations China Expat etiquette China