We've all read one of those countless survival guides that teach the basic dos and don'ts of living in China. Always accept gifts with two hands. Never leave a restaurant without scrambling to pay the bill. Always show respect to the elders. Never laugh at your drunken Chinese friend who has just fallen over in the bar, thus making him lose face. That is to say, we are tested on our understanding of Chinese culture to a certain degree every single day. However, for most expats, the greatest cultural test we'll ever face here occurs when meeting our Chinese partner's parents for the first time. This article looks at some of the extra things you can do to help convince those hard-to-please parents that you're good enough for their child. In my personal experience, it's often the tiny details that count the most, and scoring some extra points with potential in-laws early on will certainly help you out in the long term.    

Photo: moviecricket.com

1) "Exotic" gifts
As the phrase implies, "first impressions" are often made in those earliest moments that you meet someone. In my case, my first impression with my girlfriend's parents literally started the very second we emerged from the arrivals gate of the airport, shook hands and I presented them with small gifts. When they meet, the Chinese are all about gift giving. Tea, wine, fruit, cigarettes, we've seen it all before. But to really wow the parents, why not bring them something unique from your home country, particularly something that they'd be hard pressed to find in China? A Swiss army knife was my choice—two of them, in fact. While I was shopping around for presents back home, I remembered having read about the Chinese tradition of gift-giving in pairs to reflect balance and harmony, and thought it not a bad idea to score extra-cultural awareness points on top of the actual gift-giving itself.  I may not be Swiss and may not have a clue about the military, but the reaction on my girlfriend's parents' (especially the father's) faces told me it wasn't such a bad move. The father is a bit of a DIY man so you can imagine his joy when he was given a new toy to fiddle with. The mother on the other hand wasn't too sure what to make of the gift, though she appreciated the fact that I'd taken the time to choose something that one of them would like (and she can always re-gift it). Just that tiny amount of consideration alone was enough to help my cause in those crucial early moments.

2) Cunning linguist
If you speak Chinese well, that's great. But what if you can't? Or what if you're Putonghua is pitch perfect but everyone's speaking some indecipherable local dialect? Even if you haven't got a clue as to what's being said, it's a good idea not to zone out and instead force yourself to make it look as if you're listening and are interested in what people are saying. I experienced this situation for the bulk of a recent trip as, at each meal, I was seated at a table where the airwaves were filled exclusively with Cantonese and Hakka, rendering my trusty Mandarin skills useless. All I could do was try to look interested by leaning forward with my backside on the edge of the chair, coupled with interspersed nodding and a swift turn of the head when someone else started speaking. I only hope it scored me more brownie points and made me look like I was interested in what was being said. (Having now been with my girlfriend for a while, my Cantonese has improved to the extent that I can handle basic conversations. I recently took the chance to employ these new skills of mine via a Skype conversation that she was having with her family. Though not perfect, I think they were surprised, and perhaps a little impressed that I'd put an effort into learning their local dialect. Although not technically a "first impression", I think that this continued effort on my part has helped convey to them my interest in their culture.)

3) Feasting fun
Most of us are already familiar with the basics of Chinese table etiquette, and although many of these unwritten rules are relaxed when you're eating out with friends, the same cannot be said when you're dining with your significant other's parents, especially when it's for the first time. To make the best possible impression in this respect, it's always a good idea to make sure to sample each and every dish amply… even the "weird" ones (to the extent you deem possible). They'll love that you're willing to go out of your comfort zone for them, and even if you don't care for everything that you try, they'll see it as a huge show of respect. After you've done your sampling duty for the meal, you'll still want to be sure to strike that tricky balance between appearing polite and not looking too greedy with your preferred dishes. (As a vegetarian, I must often deal with the dilemma of "looking greedy", as I constantly dive in to one of the few dishes I can eat.) I've also found it best to eat slowly and in small portions, and tried not to add more food to my bowl if there was some already. Mountains of food, although tempting, won't do you any favors. I was also reminded by my girlfriend that finishing all the food in my bowl was crucial. No problem, I thought. She was being very literal however, meaning every last grain of rice! Though it took me ages to pick up the remaining grains of rice from my bowl, I think it was worth it. After all, nothing says "I think your food is great!" more than a spotless bowl.

4) Quick as a fox
To reiterate the "greedy" point, it's really important to ensure that you're consciously doing things to help other people at all times. I was constantly on watch to refill teacups or acting like a human crane putting food on my girlfriend's plate. That first time, I was even brave enough to stand up and offer a toast in broken Cantonese. Of course it crashed and burned, but in the eyes of the parents, it was the effort that counted. Even once the feast comes to an end, you're job is still far from over. Make sure that you're up in a flash and offer to do the dishes, no matter how many times you're flat out refused. Eating is a central part of China's culture and although many of these customs may seem daunting, if you get them right and give off the impression that you're really making an effort, it can do wonders toward impressing the parents.

5) Baijiu bonding
Of course, there's always the chance the father will want to have a drink with you, by which point any fears of being judged as an irresponsible alcoholic can be casually tossed aside (see below). My girlfriend's family is pretty conservative on the alcohol front, but I didn't want to turn down the chance for some good old-fashioned male bonding when the situation presented itself. Switching to Mandarin, we managed to have a pretty in-depth conversation about his past jobs, what I wanted to do in the future, as well as sharing a few anecdotes. For what was mostly a nerve-filled visit for me, this drinking session felt very relaxed and light-hearted, especially after all of my earlier attempts at trying to impress the family. Perhaps this meant that my initiation ceremony was finally over and I'd been accepted into the inner circle. Or maybe, for all of my early attempts at making a good first impression, all I'd really needed was some quality time sat down having a normal conversation assisted by the wonderful social lubricant that is alcohol.

6) Breaking the stereotype
Although many of these suggestions may only be valid for certain situations, the notion of the stereotypical foreigner always seems to linger above our heads. Unfortunately, there are still misconceptions about foreigners in China, and certain events in the recent news haven't done our collective image any favors. I'm by no means suggesting that all Chinese people hold these views, but there are some nasty buzz words about foreigners that I'm sure we've all heard before: arrogant, loud, promiscuous, booze-guzzling, irresponsible, the list goes on. It's up to us to dispel these generalizations, and where better to start than in front of the parents? Help around the house, carry heavy boxes, help grandpa up the stairs, get up early, make the bed, have a go at cooking some of your homeland's cuisine—it'll all help in promoting your image as a solid, accountable suitor.

Warning：The use of any news and articles published on eChinacities.com without written permission from eChinacities.com constitutes copyright infringement, and legal action can be taken.

Keywords: Meeting Chinese parents first impression Chinese parents