At the Lai Lai dancehall in Shanghai's Hongkou district, older gay men gather to socialise and practice ballroom dancing. Most – if not all – are married to women, and their secret gatherings make a poignant sight. Moving gracefully around the dance floor in their partners' arms, the men are an embodiment of a phenomenon that has recently come to public discussion.

At the start of February 2012, China Daily published an article in which a renowned academic claimed that as many as 16 million women on the Chinese mainland are married to gay men. Professor Zhang Beichuan is an expert on HIV and AIDS research at Qingdao University, and claims that 90% of homosexual men in China get married to women. To anyone familiar with Chinese society, these figures will come as no surprise. While homosexuality does not carry the same moral dilemma as in the monotheistic West, age-old traditions still hold sway over relationships.

A Social, Not Moral Sin

Xiao Yao, aged 29 from Xi'an, divorced her gay husband in 2008 and set up a blog called "Homeland of Gay's Wives". With thousands of readers, it has become a manual for women who feel jilted by the deception of their gay husbands. Activists for gay rights fear that Xiao and others in her position will foment ill-feeling towards gay men trapped in loveless marriages with straight women, while the blame lies with societal pressure.

The ancient tenets of Confucianism still play heavily on modern Chinese society – something that journalist Martin Weber noted in a Huffington Post article on 30th January. He cites the "social straitjacket" of Confucian ideals, claiming that adherence to the father/child and husband/wife model is the true enemy of gay people. In China, homosexuality is not a moral sin, but a social one. The decision to remove oneself from the accepted family structure is hugely shameful, subverting the natural order and causing loss of face.

While Professor Zhang's research focused on gay men, it stands to reason that there are countless lesbians who are likewise married to men. In 2010, the AFP estimated that of the 30 million gay people in China, one third are female. Following Zhang's figures, this would mean that there are around nine million gay women married to men, hypothetically speaking. One way of getting around the issue of marriage and children is to find a partner of the opposite sex who is also gay. On the face of it, the couple gets to preserve the all-important family structure while continuing their homosexual lifestyle either in secret or in a city far from their parents. Shanghai's "fake marriage market" came to worldwide attention on the internet earlier this year, with several websites reporting the phenomenon. For some gay people, it is the perfect set up, but others wish that they didn't have to go to such lengths to be accepted. Mark, 28, told me: "I'm coming up to the age when most guys are married. I know guys who have found lesbian women to marry so they can have a family to appease their parents, but I'm just not interested in that sort of dishonesty."

Mark moved to Shanghai from Jiangxi several years ago to escape disapproval from his parents regarding his sexuality. This is the case for countless gay people, who gravitate to Tier 1 cities where they can live more freely. However, the pull of family is often too strong. Expatriate Maria started a relationship with a Chinese girl last year, and things were going well until her girlfriend went back to her hometown to celebrate Spring Festival. On her return to Shanghai, she broke ties with Maria, explaining that her parents were forcing her to marry a man, and she was afraid of defying them. "To have a relationship end like that is pretty hurtful," Maria said, "but I understand that traditions run deep in China. It's easy to claim that I would act differently if I were in that situation, but when families only have one child, the pressure is on for them to marry and procreate. It's just sad that gay people have to live a lie."

Changing parents' attitudes

It isn't only the younger generation who yearn to do away with prejudice. A well-known and much-loved figure in China's gay community is Wu Youjian – also known as Mama Wu – whose son Zheng Yuantao came out in 1999. Instead of disowning him or forcing him into an unhappy straight marriage, Wu celebrated her son's sexuality, creating a blog (三色堇 - http://blog.sina.com.cn/3sj) that has received 2.2 million hits. She speaks publicly about gay acceptance, and urges other parents of homosexual children to acknowledge the fact instead of trying to change it. Given that an estimated 30% of gay youths attempt suicide, changing parents' attitudes is an important step.

While Shanghai's Lai Lai dancehall is a great resource for the city's clandestine gay population, perhaps one day the men who go there will be able to dance with their husbands, not their secret lovers. As with many of China's social issues, change will be a slow process, but one that will be worth the fight.
 

Related links
The Gay Debate: Tolerance with a Voice
Mr. Gay China Pageant Cancelled Abruptly
Out and Proud: Shanghai's LGBT Scene

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Keywords: gay marriage in China marriage of convenience China homosexuals in China importance of culture in Chinese family Chinese gays marrying straight