Editor's note: The following article was translated and edited from an article that appeared on ifeng.com. The piece discusses the recent rise in the number of single mothers in China, the burdens that these women face in raising a child alone, and the consequential developmental issues that often arise from growing up without a father figure in their life. While divorce, single parenthood and its effects on single mothers and their children have become quite common and empathised with in Western countries, in China, it's still a relatively new phenomenon, and despite the country's modernisation, certain "national conditions" such as the one child policy and the emphasis of the traditional Confucian "family model" in society continue to greatly influence the well being of the single mother and child.

As a consequence of the country's rising divorce rate, the number of single mothers in China has increased exponentially in recent years. A recent survey conducted by China's Women's Federation showed that among the number of divorced households, 67 percent have a child, and that following the divorce, only one in six men chose to take care of the child. Consequently, most of these women are leaving behind the difficulties of an unhappy marriage only to be faced with another: a life dedicated to raising an only child alone.

Struggling to make ends meet, educational problems and remarriage woes

Recently divorced with a monthly salary of only about 2,000 RMB, Liu Mei (pseudonym), a single mother with a four-year-old son at home, relies on strict daily budgeting to keep them afloat. "Actually, I think that I was relatively fortunate – I have a job, so as long as my son doesn't require extra money, our living standards, while not as good as they were before, are still fairly decent." Liu Mei told the reporter of another single mother who she knew who was having more difficulties making ends meet. Following their divorce, the woman, who had previously been a full-time wife and mother, found a job as a driver. But because her son wanted to go to school, she was still spending money hand over fist to pay for him. "I think that single parents often must work themselves to death to support their children. It's already pretty hard for two people to support a family let alone a single mother supporting the child all by herself." According to Liu Dongling, the director of the Marriage and Family Counselling Service Centre in Shandong Province, a survey conducted in one of the province's counties showed that within the first year after the divorce, the standard of living for the women decreased at an average of about 70% while the men's actually rose a bit.

For single mothers, their child becomes the sole focus of their life. A recent social survey highlights this. In response to the question, "As a single mother looking to win the respect of society and others, what is most important?" more than half of the single mothers answered, "Raising my child properly." Ms Zhang, a single stay-at-home mother living in Jinan had always been quite strict with her son. While in middle school, the child, who was already showing signs of a minor learning disability, upon dealing with his parents divorce, became even more closed off and displayed low self-esteem. The child was often truant and eventually dropped out of school. According to Ping Xiaochun, a marriage and family counsellor, the biggest difficulty for single mothers is their children's education. In addition to the financial burdens, single mothers are forced to try and take on the "fatherly" role in their child's upbringing as well. But, because single mothers are often over nurturing, and there are no father figures present to supplement this, many children never learn to be truly independent.

Off all of the difficulties for single mothers in China, the most vexing is probably whether or not to get remarried. According to Ms Miao, a 30-year-old single mother in Jinan, "My son was only 3 years old when my husband and I divorced. Initially, my friends and family tried introducing me to a few men, but none of them worked out. I once thought about remarrying, but now I really don't want to." Similar to Ms Miao is 45-year-old Ms Wang, who has also chosen not to remarry. When she and her husband divorced, her son was still in primary school; now he's attending university. When asked why she did not remarry, Ms Wang said quite frankly, "I'd be too afraid that my son would be bullied by the other children for having a stepfather."

According to Dong Yunfang, an associate professor at the Shandong University of Finance, she rarely hears a single mother mention her plans to remarry. Because these women are already incredibly busy just trying to make ends meet for their children, most simply don't have time to consider looking for another husband. Also, being marked with a "single" label, many single mothers are often sexually harassed. Zhang Hong, a single mother from Jinan said, "I'll often get calls from sleazy men asking me out to dinner…I really hope that I can find a nice guy who will be accepting of me and my daughter so I don't have to deal with this kind of harassment any longer." Ping Xiaochun recommends that local communities try to be more inclusive and considerate of single mothers, and to encourage them to participate in more social activities, develop hobbies and consider getting remarried.

Heart-breaking accounts from single mother netizens

1) "I feel guilt that my son doesn't know a father's love"

When my son was one year old, his father and I divorced. At that time, his employment did not allow him to take our son, and of course I didn't want to part with him, so he stayed with me. We didn't own any property, but because his salary was relatively high, the court ordered him to pay us 500 RMB per month in alimony. But besides this 500 RMB, it seems he wanted nothing else to do with his son. Over the years, not once did he bring his son a toy or clothing, nor did he take our son to his tutoring classes. For several years he remained single, but even then he'd only visit our son three or four times per year. Then in 2008, after he remarried, he cut off all ties with us, not visiting anymore and not even taking the initiative to call our son on the phone to see how he is doing. I really don't understand...I know that he doesn't love me anymore, but it's his son—his own flesh and blood. How could be so detached from him.

My son has lived with me up until now. Because my salary is pretty low, I'm completely dependent on my parents and my siblings for financial help. I don't think that it's possible for anyone else to know how exhausted and lonely I constantly am. As my son keeps growing up, everything these days seems to cost money – attending school, getting sick, going to tutoring classes etc. The 500 RMB that we receive each month isn't even enough to pay for food, not to mention things like medical treatment and education. What's more, my ex husband makes a lot more now working as an engineer than he did before. I once tried broaching the topic with him, mentioning that commodity prices are skyrocketing, and then asking him whether or not he'd be willing to pay a bit more alimony. His response: I'll only pay what the court orders me to pay.

When my son was three or four years old, he'd often ask me "why don't I have a father?" Likewise, there were also times when his kindergarten class or other school activities would want both parents to participate, and often other parents would ask me why they haven't met my son's father yet. I have no choice but to patiently explain to my son that his father and I separated when he was still very young. It was always plain to see that my son longed for his father's love. When he was still young, his favourite television show to watch after coming home from kindergarten was "Big Headed Son and Small Headed Father" (大头儿子和小头爸爸). Whenever a scene would come on in which the father and son were playing together, my son would stare fixedly at the television screen, his eyes conveying a deep sense of longing and envy. But now that my son has grown up a bit, he seems to have gradually become accustomed to not having a father in his life. Nowadays when I ask him about it, he simply responds that he's indifferent about his father, and that he only needs his mother's love. Yet, despite hearing this, I cannot help but feel a pain in my heart: a mistake that I made when I was younger has irrevocably damaged my son. That's what I regret most.

2) "After her father disappeared, our daughter became reclusive "

My daughter is very adorable, and people love to hug and tease her. When she was one year old, she'd frequently call out for her father and mother, and when she saw other people, she'd go up and be very inquisitive, asking them questions like "what's this?" or "who are you?", eagerly awaiting their reply. These days, after her father and I divorced, she seems to have lost all interest interacting with others. Sometimes, when someone greets her, she'll hide behind me to avoid talking to them. She's become very reclusive, rarely playing with the other children in the courtyard, preferring to silently watch from the periphery instead. Occasionally, at home, she'll say something to herself about her father. Our house has a small cupboard in it; just large enough to fit a few small dishes and other items. But often when I'm looking for my daughter, I'll find her curled up inside the cupboard, her little face expressionless, staring off into space, looking worried. When I gently call her name, she'll abruptly snap out of it.

Sometimes, my mother and I will mention her father during a conversation, and we'll see her she quietly listening from the periphery. Any negative comment about her father sends a look of sadness across her face. Although her eyes often appear puffy and red, I rarely see or hear her crying. It breaks my heart. I know that she's dealing with more pressure and pain than a child's able to bear at such a young age, so I try to avoid talking about her father in front of her. One time, a little girl and her father were playing out in the courtyard, looking especially happy. As they left, my daughter didn't say goodbye to them, instead just stared at their backs as they walked home. Sometimes she'll ask me: "where did father go?" or "why hasn't he returned yet?" My responses are all the same: "Father is off working in a far away place." I don't know if this is the right or wrong kind of response to tell a child. It's just that, she's so small... how will she understand anything else?
 

Source: ifeng
 

Related links
Unhappy Endings: How to Get a Divorce in China
4 Traits amongst Young Chinese Couples that Lead to Divorce
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Keywords: Divorce rate in China Single mothers in China single mother difficulties China