Editors note:  There is a Chinese saying that you don’t wash your dirty linen in public (家丑不可外扬), and while all societies share this sentiment to a degree, China has adopted it as a cultural institution (as part of the “saving face” idea). In September, when the American wife of “Crazy English” founder Li Yang used Weibo to publicly denounce him as a wife-beater, people were shocked. But not just because he did something so heinous… people were also surprised that this kind of “family conflict” would be publicly revealed intentionally. In an interview, Li Yang said so himself: after admitting to hitting her, he noted that he never thought she would make it public since it was not Chinese tradition to expose family conflicts. Since then, Li Yang has publicly apologized, acknowledged his problem, and visited a marriage counselling. Yet, one question remains relatively untouched by Chinese media: is cross-cultural marriage changing the way that China views talking about “dirty linens”? Although the following article provides no straightforward answers to this question, Li Yang’s attitude and his subsequent “path to redemption” do give us some “food for thought”.

Source :baidu.com

On September 11th, Li Yang, the founder of Crazy English, met with a reporter from the Shanghai Morning Post. This interview marked the first time that he had publicly discussed his domestic violence incident with the media.

Li Yang apologizes and promises to never again use violence

Li Yang told the reporter that he and his wife had both signed a settlement agreement at the local police station and that they had met with a marriage counsellor. He said that he hopes to use his own negative behaviour as an example to help people better address the issue of domestic violence in China. The previous day, using Weibo, he had issued an apology to both his wife and the public for his actions. He also apologized to his eldest daughter, and said that he hopes that if, when she grows up, she too is a victim of domestic violence, that she would do just as her mother had done to protect herself.

The reporter learned from Li Yang that when he and his wife signed the settlement agreement on September 9th, that it included the following four requirements:

1. He makes a public apology
2. He promises never to use domestic violence again
3. He makes a symbolic donation of 1,000 RMB to a women's group
4. He receives psychological counselling

According to Li Yang, after signing the settlement agreement, he and his wife visited a marriage counsellor twice, each time for one hour. Out of these sessions, he realized that when he and his wife are in the middle of an intense quarrel, he needs to first remove himself from the situation, so he can himself calm down, instead of resorting to hitting her.

Applying this “cool down” method in real life

When asked about what happened that lead his wife used Weibo to seek help, Li Yang responded that the reasons for the domestic violence incident were complicated: a result of an accumulation of issues over a long period of time, involving their children’s education, visa issues, living habits, cultural differences, each others temperaments etc. Li Yang divulged that dealing with these problems as well as his wife's homesickness, caused her (Kim) to suffer from insomnia, and he himself because of work-related reasons was unable to see her regularly, and that "she wanted me to be family-oriented, but I was work-oriented". Over time, this led to his wife feeling dissatisfied.

But, after he and his wife signed their settlement agreement, when another fight broke out later that day, this time, he didn't resort to hitting her. Instead, taking into consideration what their counsellor had suggested, he left the room to calm himself down. As for the reason behind this most recent quarrel: it occurred after Kim read a newspaper report, where Li Yang's younger sister stated that this was only a trivial family matter, and that they had already resolved it. Yet, from Kim's perspective, this was in fact a very big deal. Previous to the settlement agreement, Kim had written on Weibo that for the sake of their children, she was considering divorce. Li Yang, discussing this statement, commented that the future of their marital relationship would depend on his wife's decision and that he wanted to see how he could be better for her, adding that "if she decides she wants divorce, I will accept that".

Li Yang hopes to use his own negative behaviour as an example

On September 10th, which in China is known as "Teacher's Day", Li Yang wrote on Weibo: "This is a formal apology to Kim, I carried out acts of domestic violence against her, causing her both serious physical and spiritual harm, while also negatively affecting our children. I also want to apologize to everyone else. I am deeply reflecting on my behaviour." This Weibo posting has been commented on thousands of times, and has received a lot of interest from Weibo users. Netizens hope that Li Yang can "put his money where his mouth is", although some have expressed more concern over the psychological impacts that Li Yang's children have suffered [than Li Yang’s own path to redemption]. Soon after, Li Yang further wrote: "In accordance with Kim's demands, we are receiving help from professional counsellors", as well as writing [in English] "I'm sorry to let you all down".

That evening, Kim wrote on Weibo that Li Yang had admitted his domestic violence, had taken responsibility for it, and had asked for her forgiveness. She also wrote that it would take courage, love and faith in God to deal with the remaining issues and to heal their family's injuries. However, on September 9th, in the early hours of the morning, she was seen on Weibo doing research about the legal statutes regarding domestic violence, with many users encouraging her to be strong. Li Yang recently told reporters that he hoped to use his own negative behaviour as an example, and, with the help of his celebrity, bring attention to issue of domestic violence in China, and even, hopefully, get new domestic violence laws passed. He was quoted as saying: "I hope my own actions can help other families that are experiencing domestic violence resolve their problems."
 

Source: eastday.com
 

Related links
On the Rocks: Marriage Counselling in China
China’s Marriage Crisis: 5000 Divorces a Day!
 

Marriage is a Grave: Attitudes to Love in Modern China

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Keywords: Li Yang Crazy English domestic violence incident cross-cultural marriage in China and views of Domestic violence don’t wash your dirt linens in public and domestic violence in China