Editor's note: The following article is translated and edited from a story that first appeared on China News Service. The article discusses a women's psychological counselling hotline that is celebrating its 20-year anniversary, and discusses the primary topic of discussion on the hotline: their husband's adultery.

In April, 1992, the Shanghai Women's Cadre School and the Weierfu (Group) Co., Ltd. co-founded China's first psychological counselling hotline for women and children (公益性妇女儿童心理热线). The hotline, China's longest running, is still open today, celebrating its 20-year anniversary. Over the past two decades, as China has rapidly modernised, the issues for which Chinese women have sought counsel through the hotline have varied greatly, a reflection of the changing times no doubt. On April 10th, in an interview with reporters, Zhou Meizhen, the representative for the hotline, told them that despite changing times and the changing issues that women have sought counsel for, one thing has remained pretty much the same: a lot of women call in to talk about their husband's adultery and how to deal with it.

A “safe” way to talk about private matters with strangers

It wasn't always so common to talk about adultery openly in China. Although infidelity is deeply rooted in traditional Chinese society, Chinese have never been open to talk about it with strangers; you don't wash your dirty linens in public after all (家丑不可外扬). According to Zhou Meizhen, when the hotline first started operating, most people were completely unaware of what exactly psychological counselling even was. So when women started calling the hotline in the early days, about 80% of them were only willing to talk about more publicly acceptable topics like “home schooling”.

The opening of the hotline also corresponded with what is now considered Shanghai's most difficult adjustment period in modern times, in which many of the local industries were restructured and many women were consequently laid off. This turn of events may have influenced the level of privacy that women were comfortable talking about when calling the hotline, as during this time, they'd often discuss their fears, grief, anger, disappointment and confusion related to the changing job market. Following this period of restructuring, and perhaps feeling more comfortable with the concept of calling into a psychological counselling hotline, one of the most prominent topics of counsel became the husband's affair(s). According to Zhou Meizhen, to this day, counselling women on how to deal with their husbands' affairs has remained a dominant topic, accounting for about 15% of the hotline's counselling sessions annually.

But the first women to really use the psychological counselling hotline to talk about their husbands' infidelity were the early wives of township business owners. According to Zhou Meizhen, upon finding out about their husband's affair, these women would use the traditional method of dealing with it, which entailed seeking out their village leader and asking him/her to mediate. While this approach might have worked prior to the reform and opening period, by the early nineties, the influx of money and jobs brought to the small towns by these business owners dramatically changed their stature in relation to the village leader. The result was that the leaders would more often then not scold the wife for exposing their business savvy husband's adultery, saying something along the lines of, "Your husband has contributed so much to this town's development, we can't tell him what to do...and that he hasn't divorced you is quite a conscientious act on his part." The outcome of the failure of this traditional mediation process was that these wives, with nowhere else to turn, ultimately called into the brand new hotline to talk about their problems – seeing as how the counsel was done over the phone, it was still somewhat private after all.

A valuable service for women in a culture that is still grappling with the divorce taboo

Empirically speaking, as both money and power have grown in the last 20 years, so too has the prevalence of adultery in China. And although the affair phenomenon has spread to all salary levels and sectors – and it has become slightly more common to hear about adulterous wives – it seems that ultimately, adultery is still a problem most common among men of power. Such sentiments are manifested through the commonly heard stories told to counsellors on the hotline these days. An overwhelming majority of the women calling in to talk about adultery have an adulterous husband they don't know how to deal with. Some of the husbands outright refuse to acknowledge their infidelity, while others try to justify it: "This is just the way I am. If you must deal with it, then deal with it. If you can't deal with it then we'll get a divorce."

Although the option of divorce is present, ultimately, many Chinese women choose to remain with their husband and endure his adulterous habits. According to Zhou Meizhen, when a husband is caught having an affair, the wife is basically left with two equally painful options: get a divorce or stay together. Speaking openly with the hotline's counsellors, some women confess their fears of getting a divorce: they know their husband is a pretty bad person, but if they get divorced, how likely are they to find a better man? Consequently, in many cases of adultery, the wives (especially middle-aged) tend to choose the pain of silence over the pain of divorce. There does exist an unspoken third option however, in which the wife, upon discovering her husband's affair, become hell-bent on revenge, at any cost. Such cases are often reported on the news: some wife stabs her husband to death and ultimately goes to prison or is sentenced to death. But thankfully, most people are able to get a hold of themselves before they do anything extreme. And for those wives harbouring pent up aggression, which unaided could manifest itself in tragic ways, having someone to talk to can be a real lifesaver.

China's social development is still playing catch-up with its economic development, and social taboos about divorce and social acceptance of adultery are still quite prevalent. Until the time when this is no longer the case, having someone to talk to, via hotline or what not, will remain an invaluable service for Chinese women trying to deal with their husband's adultery.

Source: China News Service
 

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Keywords: Adultery in China cheating husbands China psychological counseling hotline China adultery hotline China