Before I came to China I clearly remember a Chinese friend saying to me: “Mark, you will find life in China difficult; Chinese people have complicated hearts.” At the time I thought that this was a strange thing to say. Now, although I disagree with the idea that people in one country can have more complicated hearts than those of another country, I do understand more deeply what she was trying to say: living in China can be very complicated.

In China, there seems to be a culture for caring about appearances. A decorative, almost ceremonial quality pervades many aspects of life, from the top state affairs all the way down to simple mundane things like shopping. This preoccupation with appearances can at times be at odds with western value systems such as chivalry (one based around adherence to a code of justice).

It’s the principle of it!

Many foreigners in China are well aware of the systems of “mianzi” (face) and “guanxi” (social connections), but they often continue to stumble at the same points when dealing with Chinese people, be they friends, colleagues, employers or in-laws.  

“It’s the principle of it!” – that’s a phrase foreigners commonly wheel out after having a petty argument with someone in a restaurant or with a street vendor after fighting tooth and nail over the price of an item, claiming that they are being cheated. Expats will often continue with an argument because they feel they are being slighted; the size of the slight can at times be comically tiny in comparison with the amount of energy and time expended in gaining the outcome that they are seeking. From living in China, I have found that it is often best to keep righteousness in check and to cut losses and not worry about ‘moral’ victories in favour of avoiding headaches and wasting time. Sometimes however, things are worth standing up for. At such times, the best thing to do is to tread carefully.

Bending it (the truth) like Beckham

Most people find that during their time living in China, they are told outrageous lies. In many countries, people value telling the truth in any given situation whereas in China, telling (more than) the occasional lie is part of the norm. However, one universal cultural similarity is that nobody likes being called a liar. This is a conundrum then, especially when you are caught in a situation where knowing the truth has important consequences and you are convinced that a person is lying to you. Calling someone a liar directly to their face – even if they clearly are telling a lie – is a big loss of face for the ‘guilty’ party. Furthermore, such situations can escalate and take you further and further away from a positive outcome. The most likely outcome is that they will retreat and make a meaningful exchange even more difficult. 

If you are looking for recourse in a dispute, the only way to counter an over-the-top, barefaced lie is to remain as calm as possible and resort to physical evidence to argue your case. If no such evidence is available, then at times it is best to just cut your losses – people rarely back-track on their argument unless they are proven wrong.

The most gentle way to expose a lie

A friend of mine returned to China after a holiday and was getting in a taxi. Taxi drivers that wait near the airport often look to bump fares up by negotiating over-inflated fares rather than using the meter as they should do. On this occasion the taxi driver explained to my friend that they should agree on a set price for the fare. In response to my friend’s complaints – being very familiar with the scam – the driver claimed that his meter was, in fact, broken. Given the circumstances, this was clearly a lie, but pointing it out would most likely not aid my friend. Instead, what he did was simply flip the meter’s ‘taxi occupied’ light down himself, exposing the driver’s bluff. Low and behold the lights on the meter came up as they should do and everything was in good working order. The taxi driver smiled at my friend and drove away.

If you can produce evidence to prove that someone is lying, they will most likely not be too angry or upset and your problem will be solved. If on the other hand, you call somebody out for lying without any evidence to back up your claim, it is unlikely that there will be a positive outcome.

Horse Horse Tiger Tiger

Most expats in China learn very quickly that they should say “ma ma hu hu” (meaning “just so so”), when they are offered a compliment. Compliments in China can have a variety of different purposes; they can just as often be issued as a warning to someone, such as a hint to ‘stop showing off’ or ‘to work harder’. Because of the various motives behind paying compliments, it is common for Chinese people to actively avoid them, preferring to fly under the radar for the purpose of a more simple life without worry.    

Hoe to enjoy life

From time to time you stumble across expats who are trying to ‘civilize’ Chinese people or make them honest and polite, thereby trying to make China a better place. This really is like Don Quixote waving swords at windmills. I find the very idea that Chinese people should be taught how to behave distasteful. On the flipside, I feel sorry for people who feel so at odds with their environment that they should go on some kind of crusade, trying to change a country of 1.3 billion people one by one. That must be a heavy load to bear.

It seems that the best way to enjoy life in China is to live with your eyes wide open, preparing yourself for any eventuality or mishap. Being prepared for unpleasant or undesirable situations is definitely better than struggling when you are caught out by people less scrupulous than yourself.

In the years that I have been in China, I have learnt that following the path of least resistance, like a blade of grass in a storm, is the best way to enjoy life here. The convoluted dances which are Chinese communication can be entertaining or even touching if you can learn to let go of some of your old rules.
 

Related links
‘E’ is for ‘Elephant in the Room’: The Stigma of English Teaching in China
Sticky Expat Etiquette: Dealing with Other Foreigners in China
Cross Cultural Communication in China – Yes, No, and Maybe

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Keywords: culture clashes China cross-cultural communication clashes China how to deal with liars China Chivalry China