When it comes to marriage proposals in modern-day China, it’s not necessarily “out with the old”, but it’s definitely “in with the new”. While all the ancient bells and whistles might not be needed in today’s society, figments of these deep-rooted proposal traditions have carried on and are being coupled with Western styles of popping the question. Let’s take a look at proposals in China, then and now.

Will you marry me? Source: depanacki

According to tradition

In ancient China, marriage was a duty believed too important to be left in the rash hands of the young, so marriage proposals and engagements were largely controlled by the parents. The elaborate process was often, but not always, guided by the “Three Letters and Six Etiquettes” of marriage proposal and betrothal.

The proposal

The process often began by hiring a matchmaker to assist the groom’s family in finding a suitable bride and showering her family in gifts. If the bride’s parents accepted the match, the families would perform a ritual using the birth information of both the bride and the groom in order to test for unlucky omens and astrological uncertainties. If everything went well, the two families would arrange to meet face-to-face to evaluate each other in terms of appearance, education, character, and social position. If both families were satisfied, they would proceed to the betrothal.

The betrothal

The betrothal generally lasted a year or two (longer for child betrothals) and involved numerous gifts, extensive discussions, and lengthy preparations. The Betrothal Letter would be drafted to mark the engagement and set out the vows and undertakings of both families. This phase was littered with gift giving. The groom’s family often gave money, tea, cakes, poultry, and sweets, and the bride's family gave gifts of food and clothing in return. An auspicious wedding date would then be chosen and the bride's family would send a dowry of practical items such as land, a house, furniture, servants, grain, fruit, and strings of coins to the groom’s home. The procession of the dowry to the groom's house was often a regal affair used to demonstrate the social status of the bride's family as well as their love for their daughter.

The formal announcement

After the betrothal, the Gift Letter would be produced, outlining the specific type of gifts that were considered appropriate for the wedding day. Cakes would be sent to friends and family announcing the wedding date. Finally, the Wedding Letter was drafted and presented to the bride’s parents on the day of the wedding, officially welcoming the bride into the groom’s family circle.

Modern-day proposals

Although Western influences can definitely be witnessed in modern-day Chinese proposals, traditional customs are still faithfully upheld in simplified ways across the country. Parents are still greatly involved, often putting great pressure on their children to marry and even trying to introduce potential matches. The gifting tradition continues to exist today with the groom’s family giving ‘grand gifts’ to the family of the bride. Nowadays, the gift is typically money which, in a city like Shanghai, starts at around 100,000 RMB. The bride’s family still holds the tradition of giving furniture, household necessities, and other practical items to the couple as a dowry. And the wedding date is as important now as it was years ago. For example, many people choose to get married on lucky dates, such as 08.08.08 (since 8 is a lucky number in Chinese), 09.09.09 (the number 9 represents ‘forever’ in Chinese culture) or 2013.1.4 (meaning ‘love you forever’ in China’s famed number symbology).

The long-time importance of legacy in Chinese culture means that dating traditions continue to be geared toward the purpose of finding a spouse, marrying, and reproducing. Because of these courtship traditions, the idea of a wedding proposal that we envision in the West is still somewhat uncommon in China. Generally, once both parties have met each other’s families, it is assumed that they will get married. The final decision is one that is often made mutually and lacks the element of surprise that comes with many proposals in the West.

But that’s not to say it doesn’t exist. Western courtship traditions have infiltrated the dating scene in China and Western-style wedding proposals are commonly seen in China’s larger metropolitan areas. The growing popularity of Western-style proposals is clearly evident in the increasing demand for diamonds. According to diamond giant DeBeers’ data, about 31% of Chinese couples now use diamond engagement rings--a practice that was virtually nonexistent in the 1990s. This generational shift, and the Western-inspired belief that diamonds are connected with romance, is boosting opportunities for companies like Tiffany & Co. and Blue Nile in the Chinese market.

All this talk of proposals reminds me of my own proposal story. After dating my Chinese boyfriend for nearly four years, I found myself often wondering what type of proposal I would receive. Being from a country where the ring is of great importance, I also found myself pondering what type of ring he would propose with. I often thought about Chinese friends who didn’t receive much of a proposal and wore a much different style ring than I had in mind. Well, after dropping a few subtle hints and watching a plethora of romantic comedies with him at my side, he proposed in the most romantic way by sweeping me off to Thailand and putting a gorgeous ring on my finger. We still laugh about how stressed he was trying to plan the perfect proposal and how confused his family and friends were about the whole idea. Judging from my experience, I think there is still some time before the crazy flash mob, half-time, fake plane crash wedding proposals from the West land in China. But still, China has a few crazy engagement stories of its own.

Outrageous engagements and trends

When considering proposal and wedding traditions in China, we can see that people are increasingly willing to splurge on elements of the fairytale romance that is so often seen in movies or read about in books. The marriage proposal has become a great opportunity to put one’s wealth and status on display and to wow friends, family, and even strangers. Over-the-top engagements are definitely gaining popularity; especially among China’s wealthier inhabitants. Bouquets of 99 roses are a popular symbol of an everlasting love, or for those with a slightly higher budget, the 8.8 million RMB engagement baskets that became famous in Yiwu might be more suitable. In Shenzhen, a man once paid 500,000 RMB to broadcast 10 characters for 5 minutes on the tallest skyscraper in the city. With the words “Zheng Shanshan, I love you, marry me?” blazing in LED lights at a price of 100,000 RMB per minute, professing his love was no small feat.

Unfortunately, not all marriage proposals have a happy ending. A man burned himself and was seriously injured after his marriage proposal was rejected by his girlfriend. He drove a BMW 1,100 kilometers to Qingdao bringing a carload of gifts and tens of thousands of RMB to propose. He also brought a barrel of gasoline in case he was refused. The unfortunate outcome left him in critical condition with 60 percent of his body being covered in burns.

Now it’s your turn. Have you heard of or seen any interesting proposals during your time in China? Maybe you’ve been the recipient of a romantic proposal? If you are planning to propose, this article might be able to help you out.

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Keywords: Wedding Proposals in China Mariage Proposals in China