Way back when my husband and I were first dating, our first argument was over the Japanese. I, having been raised in a liberal American family, was taught to equally respect all cultures, not to judge people by their backgrounds, and that there are no “bad” countries, only bad people. My husband, the product of a father who just narrowly escaped fighting the Japanese (only to end up fighting the Nationalists) and a lifetime of stories about the suffering the Chinese faced during WWII, not to mention a rather homogeneous society, was raised to believe that the Japs would always and forever be the bad guys, that it is perfectly acceptable to judge people based on where they come from or what they look like, and that China was pretty much the best country on earth. Of course over the years and as we grew up, our convictions changed somewhat. My husband grew more tolerant over the years and more culturally sensitive and aware, and his mind opened about many things, but when we first met, his one outstanding prejudice was towards the Japanese. It is a prejudice that many Chinese people share. Ask a random taxi driver, or even a student, what their opinions are on the Japanese and they’re likely to range from mild distaste to pure vitriol, but, to me, at the time, the idea that the man I was falling in love with could so blatantly hate another country was very upsetting to me.

Photo: Katie Tegtmeyer

Fortunately my husband mellowed even about the Japanese, especially after meeting some Japanese friends and conceding that maybe there were some decent Japanese people out there. However, the incident regarding the Japanese provided my first lesson in being half of an intercultural relationship, and that is that everything is relative. No matter where we are from, entering a new culture will challenge our own belief system, but this effect is multiplied when we start dating someone from that culture. One of the main things that Western society values in a partnership is a set of common values and a common belief system, but how can any common ground be found when we come from such radically different backgrounds, often with differing and conflicting views of history, politics, of right and wrong?

Could you seriously date someone who believed certain countries were evil, who fully supported the one-child policy, who thought that media censorship was a good idea, or agreed with using force to keep certain troublesome groups in check? Conversely, could someone from this country seriously date someone who believed that other countries should be invaded for their own good, that abortion is evil, that people have an inherent right to own guns, and that cults and religious groups have just as much a right as anyone else to gather and assemble? And these are just a few of the cultural, political, and social issues that might come up over the course of a relationship. So how does one deal with the fact that you and your girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, might have completely opposing positions on certain issues that you hold near and dear.

For my husband and I, the key has always been communication – we always keep an open mind about each other’s point of view. Of course, it helps that neither my husband nor I are fanatical in our beliefs, and we always approach each other’s position with respect. I never try and convert my husband to my way of thinking, but I do try and present my side logically, and he does the same. As a result, I’ve come around to certain ideas that I might never have seriously considered previously. I can see the logic behind the one child policy, for example, and I can see why a unified China is a good idea. My husband also, has changed his mind about certain issues that he might not have questioned in the past – the Japanese, for one, but also certain ideas about education, and what the Chinese educational system might learn from the West. He sees why violence sometimes simply leads to more violence, and isn’t always the best answer for solving a country’s problems.

But we also know when to back down, too. Recently when I was telling my husband about an unplanned pregnancy in the family back home, my husband insisted that abortion was the best option, and when I explained that the girl in question was highly religious and wouldn’t consider abortion, he laughed it off. Religion doesn’t highly influence the lives of most Chinese people, so it is hard for them to comprehend how someone could be so religious that they could allow one seemingly minor belief to dictate the entire course of their life. I had to give up on that discussion with my husband. Likewise, my husband has given up on convincing me that the death penalty is a good thing. We know where our limits lie, and when to avoid pushing each other’s buttons. Being an American married to a Chinese person is probably in some ways a bit like a Republican being married to a Democrat – sometimes you simply have to choose your battles, but there can be a lot of interesting debates along the way, and you’re never without a topic of conversation.

That said, if there are certain convictions that you simply can’t compromise on, then think long and hard before entering into an intercultural relationship, especially with someone from a culture that is as different from most mainstream Western cultures as China’s is. We should never enter a relationship believing that we can change people or their beliefs, and if we are not prepared to acknowledge that the beliefs a Chinese man or woman has been raised with are just as valid as our own, then we should probably not try to start a relationship with that person whose beliefs we find it hard to respect or even accept. While it is possible to keep politics out of the bedroom for the most part, there will come a time when our relationships in China will challenge the values that we hold dear, be those religious or cultural or personal, and it is important to recognize that sometimes there are questions to which there is no “right” answer.

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