10 Ridiculous Reports Published by Chinese Media Recently

10 Ridiculous Reports Published by Chinese Media Recently
May 28, 2013 By Trey Archer , eChinacities.com

According to the Reporters Without Borders Press Freedom Index, China ranked 168 out of 178 nations in 2010. With so many regulations and censors, it’s surprising that the Chinese media still makes so many outlandish comments—shouldn’t there be somebody in Beijing fact-checking sources to prevent them from losing face over such outrageous statements? Apparently not, because during the past year alone the Chinese media has made some pretty absurd assertions that would make even the most indoctrinated comrade blush. Listed below are just ten of the most ridiculous reports published by Chinese media recently.

1) China is the safest country in the world
Monaco, Singapore and Switzerland are probably the first countries that come to mind when considering the world’s safest country. But on February 26, 2013, the People’s Daily reported that in terms of homicides, China is safer than them all—based on its own Ministry of Public Security’s statistics, of course. The People’s Daily even proudly informed us that the closure rate of all investigated murders has reached an astonishing 94.5%. "Oh my gosh! How have I failed to realise that social order [on the mainland] has been so perfect that there's not even room for improvement,” one sarcastic netizen responded (via South China Morning Post).

2) Valentine’s Day causes corruption
China has long struggled with corruption, but the good news is we finally know the source of this major problem—Valentine’s Day. That’s right, on February 14, 2013, People’s Daily proclaimed that Cupid in cahoots with Saint Valentine are the two culprits responsible for the government’s surge in sex scandals, corruption and expensive gift giving to mistresses. Incongruous is certainly an understatement, but the thing that gets me is why isn’t there any fuss about the Double Seventh Festival (aka “Chinese Valentine’s Day”), which falls of the seventh day of the seventh lunar month? Apparently, the traditional Chinese day of amore is much more innocent than the immoral Western equivalent known as Valentine’s Day.

3) China isn’t hacking other countries
There’s good news for all those who fear the rising military might of China. According to China Daily, China is not engaged in cyber hacking—the future of modern warfare. Despite numerous governmental and private industries in the US and Europe claiming breaches from Chinese hackers, Beijing refuses to admit any involvement while Hua Chunying, a Chinese foreign ministry spokesperson, stated in a follow-up report that China hopes the accusations will stop. If China truly isn’t involved like they swear, it’d probably be in their best interest to step it up and learn how to hack because newsflash, since pretty much the rest of the world is already doing it.

4) Xi Jinping took a taxi
Forget the threat of nuclear war looming from Pyongyang, there’s much more important news out there. In the early morning of April 18, 2013, Hong Kong based Ta Kung Pao reported that President Xi Jinping not only took a taxi in downtown Beijing in early March, but also (hold your breath) had a conversation with the taxi driver! Yes my dear readers, I couldn’t believe it either. But sure enough, Xinhua News Agency soonpicked up the story and even confirmed it with Beijing transportation officials, causing it to spread like hotcakes all over the Chinese interwebs. Yet, by that afternoon, the story started disappearing from Chinese media websites, and Xinhua promptly released a statement claiming the story was not true. Shortly after the hoax was unveiled, netizens on Weibo expressed outrage with one screaming, “Please stop tricking us readers and stop making trouble” while another roared that the Chinese media should be “ashamed” of this report, according to Global Times summary of the incident. I guess high ranking officials acting like, well, ordinary people is still a very delicate subject.

5) China is sensitive
Global Times reported in April of this year that Wang Jinn-wang, head of Taiwan’s Coast Guard Administration (CGA), issued an agreement with Japan announcing the expulsion of Mainland fishermen from the Diaoyu fishing waters. According to the report, this action really “hurt” China’s feelings. But apparently China is more sensitive than one may think. In 2008, Danwei.org posted an article called “Mapping the hurt feelings of the Chinese people” (You’ll need a VPN) revealing that the China Daily has reported China getting her “feelings hurt” more than 100 times by 19 separate countries and organizations from 1946-2006. Not surprisingly, much of sentiment derives from discussions related to the “Three T’s”, while Japan is the number one heartbreaker with 47 offenses (after WWII) towards the Mainland.

6) Kim Jong-un is the sexiest man alive
"With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman's dream come true." At least that’s what the satirical news outlet known as the Onion wrote about the North Korean Supreme Leader in its “Sexiest Man Alive for 2012” post. However, the People’s Daily didn’t catch the sarcasm and ran a word-for-word report coupled with a 55-photograph slideshow of Kim. Some of the photos included the leader riding a gray and white stallion and inspecting military facilities. After receiving news of the coverage, the Onion in return praised the Chinese paper as “a proud Communist subsidiary of the Onion” and saluted them by saying, “Exemplary reportage, comrade.”

7) Sex Scandals, Sexy Comrades and Sex
What’s even more dumbfounding is the fact that the People’s Daily didn’t stop with Kim’s “sexiness” and ran two other controversial pieces the same exact day. Edward Wong of the New York Times pointed out that the Chinese press ran a slideshow of a party official who returned to work after an intimate video of he and his mistress leaked to the public, causing the controversial video to go viral and taint the party’s image. The other slideshow was titled “Beautiful Scenery” and it showed the attractive women of the CCP at the 18th Communist Party Congress, subtly suggesting that female comrades are still viewed by many as mere eye candy. And if that wasn’t enough, the Global Times ran an article in May of this year titled “Never Sleep with a Virgin” which ended with the statement, “Condoms are just like women, they can be very annoying sometimes, but you can't have sex without them.” Seriously?!

8) The West’s Assault on Culture and Ideology
Before leaving office, former President Hu Jintao stated that China must “defend against the West’s assault on… culture and ideology.” However, I wonder if Hu realized that communism, the underlining creed of the Chinese Communist Party, arose in the West? Furthermore, the Min Zhu Zhong Guo website (load up that VPN again!) also quoted Han Han, a famous Chinese novelist and blogger, saying, “The restriction on cultural activities makes it impossible for China to influence literature and cinema on a global basis or for us culturati to raise our heads up proud.” How do you say “contradiction” in Chinese again?

9) Away with the Poor!
Global Times reported in March that Guo Xinzhi, Vice Chairman of the Shanxi Disabled Person’s Federation and National People’s Congress deputy, “managed to make the straight face declaration that the family planning policy should be changed so that people living in less developed areas have less children.” That is to say, Guo proposed that under the One Child Policy the poor should give their birth quotas to richer families since they “burden” China’s future. While Guo’s proposal of economic eugenics may leave you shaking your head, if you read carefully you would have noticed that this guy is the “Vice Chairman of the Shanxi ‘Disabled’ Person’s Federation.” That’s a little disturbing if you ask me…

10) Just Like “Red Bean Soup”
Chinese rivers have been changing colors recently, causing local residents to panic. It’s a good thing then that a Hebei government official, while addressing the bright red glow of a river outside of Changzhou City in April of this year, clarified that the river “was not polluted” and then linked the incident to “red bean soup”, according to xinhuanet.com report (Chinese). The official was quoted as saying, “When you put a small handful of beans into water and boil it for soup it turns red, right? If you simmer beans with rice, the rice also turn red, doesn’t it? Well, just because the water is red doesn’t mean it isn’t in line with health standards.” I really don’t know what he’s talking about, and I’m certainly not suggesting that red bean soup isn’t a tasty treat, but the soupy simile is odd because prior to the report, this river killed 400 chickens and tested 73 times higher than the safe limit of aniline. Two days later, the official who made this statement was fired, probably on the grounds of being an idiot.
 

Related links
Top 10 Weird Stories to Emerge from China in 2012
Turnover Television: Why are So Many CCTV Presenters Leaving their Jobs?
China’s Disaster Management – from SARS to H7N9; Wenchuan to Lushan

Warning:The use of any news and articles published on eChinacities.com without written permission from eChinacities.com constitutes copyright infringement, and legal action can be taken.

Keywords: ridiculous reports published by Chinese Media Chinese media

6 Comments

All comments are subject to moderation by eChinacities.com staff. Because we wish to encourage healthy and productive dialogue we ask that all comments remain polite, free of profanity or name calling, and relevant to the original post and subsequent discussion. Comments will not be deleted because of the viewpoints they express, only if the mode of expression itself is inappropriate.

lightend

Yeah, you gotta love how people here can commit suicide by stabbing them selves 16 times, or how people have been involved in a traffic accident by being run over 8 times by 1 car. not to mention all the local police who arrest people who happens to die on the street before even being brought into the police station, must be natural causes. I think the propaganda section of the party needs to cool down a tad and un-censor allot more as people will just loose faith in such a party if these outlandish claims continue (I mean loose more faith)

May 31, 2013 11:18 Report Abuse

Nessquick

Ok, and anything really new ?

May 29, 2013 13:20 Report Abuse

R2Badger

Unlike the article about "guilty pleasures" this article was worth reading. I agree with Samsara, this would make a very good regular feature. Thanks for doing a decent piece of journalism.

May 29, 2013 10:35 Report Abuse

Samsara

This article made my day. It should be a regular column.

May 28, 2013 21:54 Report Abuse

13david

Jinping talking to a taxi driver. Must have been staged. Is he the new Chinese Kennedy? What would the proletariat know. Presumably they cannot "investigate any of these propositions. They are constantly in the dark and fed bullshit. All media is controlled by the "communist"party. If you want your mind really numbed watch their TV. Murders are all under control, but do the prols know that state sanctiond murder is the highest i the world. Talk about political prisoners, Tibet and the "Square" see how far you get. Free Xiabo.

May 28, 2013 14:29 Report Abuse

carlstar

Sensitive wee things. So much so that they have to block mean things that hurt poor little Chinese face. Why people so mean to poor little China. They just want to loved and peaceful and hug mean old other people but poor wittle Chinese always picked on... *throw tantrum*

May 28, 2013 12:37 Report Abuse