Marriage is a Grave: Attitudes to Love in Modern China

Marriage is a Grave: Attitudes to Love in Modern China
Aug 01, 2011 By Susie Gordon , eChinacities.com

It used to be the case that the first question many young people (i.e. below the age of 25) were asked was "Are you married?" If the answer came back negative, the next question was invariably "Why not?" with raised eyebrows as a coda. Marriage is still a huge part of Chinese society – the building block of the family – but recent statistics prove that people, especially women, are marrying older. Divorce is becoming ever more common, and many are choosing not to marry at all. So what's behind this trend, and what does the future hold?

Priorities are changing in China, and young people no longer see marriage as the only thing to aim towards. Lucy Qi, an accountant living in Shanghai, says "For my parents' generation, the main thing was finding a husband. For me, I wanted a career and money of my own before I settled down. I was 29 when I got married earlier this year, which I guess is quite old." As it happens, Lucy's age places her at the exact median for women getting married in Shanghai. The average age for females to wed is 29.77, and for men 32.45, according to the 2010 Marriage Registration Statistics. This is an increase of 0.38 years for women and 0.4 for men from 2009.

In Shanghai, there were 500,000 unmarried women between the ages of 20 and 25 in 2010, up from 100,000 in the early 1990s. The main reason for this is increasing financial stability. Women no longer need to clamour for a husband to be secure when it comes to money. Modern urban Chinese women value their jobs, and are willing to sacrifice the possibility of getting married in favour of climbing the career ladder.

The unwillingness to get married isn't confined to women. Men are also growing jaded with the requirements placed on them to find and provide for a wife. They also feel that getting wed can put the kibosh on romantic fervour, as the saying "marriage is the grave of love" (结婚是爱情的坟墓) illustrates. Twenty-four-year-old Frank from Chongqing has a girlfriend but is in no hurry to put a ring on her finger. "I prefer romance to traditional rules about marriage. Getting married can take the passion out of a relationship. I don't want 爱情  - romantic love – to turn into 亲情 - platonic love."

The importance of marriage in China can be traced to Confucian teachings, in which the institution was seen as a state of high virtue, bringing together families of "different surnames" to prevent incest and continue paternal lines. This is the same school of thought that is behind the preference for male children. Marriage was seen as advantageous not merely for the couple involved, but for the whole family, as clans came together to share wealth and status. This lives on in modern marriages, especially when arranged by parents or grandparents, and will take several more generations to fully dissipate.

With the gradual breakdown of traditional structures, divorce becomes more acceptable and more frequent. If your marriage was arranged by your parents, you are less likely to go against their wishes and end it. However, if you selected your own partner, you will have fewer qualms about finishing it. Shanghai's 2010 Marriage Registration statistics actually show a drop of 3.71% in the divorce rate between 2009 and 2010, with most divorcees aged between 30 and 40. Idealists may attribute this to an increase in optimism surrounding love, while others might claim mere coincidence.

The institute of marriage is so prized among the older generation that gay people frequently marry members of the opposite sex to avoid awkward questions from their parents. Sometimes they hide their sexuality and marry a heterosexual, but there is an increasing trend that pairs a lesbian with a gay man, on the understanding that their marriage is purely for show; they are both free to pursue same sex relationships. However, the slowly improving acceptance of homosexuality may also be behind the falling marriage figures.


Source: chinadaily.com.cn

Life for unmarried women is fraught with problems, so it's not as if it is an easy path to take. Along with the opprobrium of older generations clucking after the Holy Grail – grandchildren – they must contend with the pity of their married peers. And unmarried mothers have it even worse. In Shanghai, a single mother must pay 15,919 RMB to the municipal government to register her child, while married mothers are given a 10,000 to 30,000 RMB subsidy. Often, unmarried women don't get paid maternity leave. 

The marriage market in Shanghai's People's Square still operates, with parents displaying their single adult children's vital statistics in the hope of finding a good match. This seems oddly anachronistic now – an outdated way for the older generation to cling to the ways of the past. With young people seeking romantic fulfilment instead of cold, hard cash, the institution of marriage has changed, and will continue to do so.
 

Related links
On the Rocks: Marriage Counselling in China
4 Traits Among Young Chinese Couples that Lead to Divorce
The Divorce Act: Understanding Chinese Women

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Keywords: marriage in china changing norms marriage china women staying single china values marriage divorce China

5 Comments

All comments are subject to moderation by eChinacities.com staff. Because we wish to encourage healthy and productive dialogue we ask that all comments remain polite, free of profanity or name calling, and relevant to the original post and subsequent discussion. Comments will not be deleted because of the viewpoints they express, only if the mode of expression itself is inappropriate.

ShenzhenGuy

Seems like the Chinese are following the West. They're going down the path of destruction too. Following in the wrong footsteps.

Aug 29, 2011 07:30 Report Abuse

replica purses

i really love china

Aug 02, 2011 00:28 Report Abuse

pooh888

Be careful when you marry a Chinese woman she may only want a free ticket to get out of China

Aug 01, 2011 18:50 Report Abuse

wb000111

i think you right , but chinese women also need be careful her foreign husband.there are to many forergner date with chinese girl only want sex.

Aug 01, 2011 18:55 Report Abuse

superlady

I think the laides u know, only want leave to china. If u take that as a whole, u dont know chinese people at all. That's a small part of chinese girls, unfortunately u got them!
A man knows the firends he keeps, why u only encounter those kind of girls?!!

Aug 02, 2011 04:27 Report Abuse