Foreigners have quite the reputation for clumsiness in China. In fact, this is such a universally acknowledged truth that it is even part of the daily commute. Snippets from home video accident shows in the West are shown regularly between news bulletins on public busses in China, much to the merriment of their sardine-packed occupants. Probably under the title of "Foreigners Do the Funniest Things." However, once the initial "this is blatant propaganda" knee-jerk response fades, you realise that foreigners are actually incredibly accident-prone in China. The litany of knocks, wounds, ailments and injuries accumulated by any group of expats is truly alarming.
So, excluding digestive disagreements with the Middle Kingdom (for the sake of brevity), and focusing solely on the physical scrapes, let us take a look at the five most common expat injuries.

1) Slips, Trips and Tumbles
China is rather fond of its tiling. Unfortunately, the twin evils of rain and poor construction quality combine to make tiles really treacherous surfaces for people to walk upon. Tiles are laid unevenly, jutting out at devious angles waiting for a wrongly placed shoe before collapsing beneath your feet. Moreover, whenever there is rain (and South China receives regular typhoons) this already perilous surface is coated in a thin, slippery sheen of water that makes walking all but impossible. I have seen friends trip, slip, fall and hospitalise themselves so badly they have had to be repatriated. And for those only slightly less injured, China isn't exactly disability-friendly yet. Try getting to your sixth-floor dorm on crutches…

2) Vehicular Misadventures
Foreigners are not good at dealing with traffic in China. I am still unsure whose fault it is, but whatever the case, we just don't seem to get it. The most common mishaps are on the bus, when an awkward fall precedes an intimate encounter with your nearest grabbable passenger, as the vehicle suddenly brakes to avoid a pedestrian, who decided that a six-lane highway was not a road but a challenge. If no passenger is there to cushion your fall, the metal poles are usually happy to oblige.

Next are the lower leg injuries inflicted by motorbikes; either those driving on the sidewalk and clipping your shins, or the special moto-taxis that run over your toes in their haste to scramble for their next fare. Walking down the street can sometimes turn into an elaborate, reflex dance for survival.

Last are the whiplash injuries caused by taxi rides. Due to a blessed aversion to speed in China (when compared to the West), most of these are not too bad, but many a foreigner can attest to a rather acute neck pain the night after an overly-enthusiastic cabby took him home.

3) Massage Parlour Mishaps
You come to China, you get massages. That's the deal. Don't believe all the sniggering and sly winking; many massage parlours in China are 100% legitimate. Unfortunately, chances are you've never had a massage before and you have absolutely no idea a) what you've signed up for and b) what's supposed to happen.

In my experience, the most common injuries come from a misunderstanding between the masseur and the unknowing expat. "This is comfortable, yes?" is quite easily replied to as "Yes, yes, that is much too hard, please stop," and the number of times foreigners have signed up for strange and unusual treatments (flaming suction cups or candle wax in the ears anyone?) only to come away bruised and battered is very depressing. The scrapes, scars and tender parts about a foreigners' person all point to not knowing your shūfu from your shāngtòng.

4) Bad Beds
I once bought what I thought was a very nice bamboo rug for my dorm-room floor. Three days later a fellow teacher came over, took one look at it, fixed me with the most quizzical look and asked me why I was sleeping on the floor. The Chinese like bamboo. For sleeping. They also like their beds with a texture akin to a concrete slab. The therapeutic benefits of a hard bed are well documented, but we Westerners are soft, and therefore like our mattresses to be the same. Second to "where am I?", "my back hurts" is the most commonly uttered phrase I have heard from fellow expats in China. If the bamboo sheets aren't messing with us, then the extra mattress covers, so pliant as be semi-permeable, certainly are. Lose, lose.

5) Height Hazards
These are usually the most embarrassingly hilarious, for both Westerner and native Chinese. Stereotypes are a touchy subject, but I think I can get away with saying that, on average, Chinese people are a little shorter than Westerners. On average. Unfortunately, upon entering and exiting Chinese buildings (in particular stairwells) foreigners sometimes forget this. To hugely comical effect. A local person, possessed of an already healthy dose of stereotypes about foreigners, is only going to have his suspicions confirmed after seeing a six foot plus laowai nursing the top of his head after an erroneous judgement of a doorway's vertical clearance. Which makes it even worse…

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